May 20. 2010

Today, like many others lately, just couldn’t end without some minor catastrophe of sorts. Keeps us from getting bored, I guess. But like the others, big or small, we beat the odds.

Jessi had spent the afternoon with our wonderful friend and neighbor lady with whom she has grown a very beautiful relationship. Christina and her family have been a God-send to us during this part of the journey. She takes care of Jessi when I cannot be around and Jessi loves her dearly. They build projects, play with dogs, and conduct reproductive studies of the barn cat’s springtime ritual and groom horses. Today they decided to surprise daddy by cleaning the house for me. This was after Christina shadowed Jessi at her school “field day” activities and watched while Jessi won 5 ribbons.

When I arrived home, Jessi went out to check on the horses while we visited. Moments later, my Tinker (Jessi’s pet name) came limping and whimpering into the house. She had stepped on a nail in the feed bunk when feeding carrots to her horse. It was a pretty good wound, too. She was bleeding from the hole in her foot and quite scared. Christina sprung into action immediately, which allowed me to sneak out of earshot to call our pediatrician. Dr. Gilroy is the only children’s doctor I know today who allows me to call her at home. She saved Garrett’s life two years ago by discovering the enzyme imbalance that led to the discovery of his advanced coronary artery disease, and has stayed in close contact with us since. She is a gem! Well, she understood that Kathy and Garrett are in Denver and I didn’t know where the shot records could be kept. This angel of mercy did some research and called me back assuring me that Jessi’s Tetanus shot was up to date.

Needless to say, Jessi will have a sore foot for a few days, but after a good cleaning out and lots of soaking; I’m hoping it won’t get infected and need another trip to the hospital.

It’s amazing the thoughts that can race through one’s head at times like this. I have to be with my boy on Friday morning. He has his double biopsy surgery and I promised him I would be there as I always am, to wipe away that first tear, to be the last person he sees when he goes to sleep, and the first one he sees when he wakes up. But I couldn’t turn my back on my little Tinker, who is the most loving child I’ve ever known. If she needs to go to the doctor and required follow up because the wound was worse than we thought, it would compromise my commitments to Garrett. But somehow, I’d make it happen. I can promise you that!

The days lately have been filled with trying to stay busy enough at work to keep my mind from racing. My nights are rarely for sleep, and mostly for praying, thinking too much and hoping. Knowledge can be powerful, but then too; too much knowledge and not enough at the same time can be terrorizing. Garrett is feeling good, and that’s good enough right now. But I’ve also noticed a very subtle change in him when I was there last. That, coupled with the poor blood work and no change in the echo gets my mind racing. DANG IT! I’m the one who knows we have to ride this bronc one jump at a time. Yet my mind keeps sneaking in what I’ve learned recently about medical statistics regarding similar cases. I just have to know that Garrett has never followed the “statistical line” his entire life. I know that God has blessed me tremendously with the willpower to stay this fight and never quit. The doubts and fears that sneak in are hateful and even in the darkest moments of this fight, when I feel like I’m out of ammunition and have no place to hide, I have called out to my God for guidance and help. I’ve prayed until the world around me became no more. I was completely alone, if for only a moment, with my entire spirit, body and soul beseeching God Almighty to raise us from this battlefield to victory. Never once have I heard his voice, not as the voice of a human telling me what to do. But He has opened my eyes to see His mercy and love. I also know for certain that He has not abandoned or forsaken me. And He knows that for me and mine, we work for Him.

Friday late we will slowly begin to get answers to what seem like just so many questions. How much damage has been done? Has the rejection been caught, and killed, in time. Do the new lymphocytes rebuilding his immune system have and understand the new battle plan and recognize that Garrett’s heart is an ally and not an enemy? We will not weaken. We enter into this new mission completely convinced that God has given us everything we need to be successful for Him. This next week will be filled with emotion. One of great joy and hope, or one of being momentarily stunned and needing to gather our thoughts for the next phase of the battle. Either way, I will be with my family through the week. I will not leave them. We will accept the results, knowing there are but two or three options to continue the fight, and believing, as I do now, that we will be victorious.

When I know more. I will let you all know. Your prayers help sustain us, and for that I'm very grateful. I have a feeling though, that this tough little warrior will put on his coat of God’s armor as we pray prior to surgery, and he will emerge triumphant.

You give me your shield of victory,
And your right hand sustains me;
You stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18

JD